The next few days passed quickly. Kat had a long list of dates and activities she wanted to get through, and she was a whirlwind getting through them. We went to some local museums, restaurants, shops, and more. It felt like we just never stood still.
And I was okay with that. Spending time with her and not taking time to think and worry meant I spent less time moping about leaving.
Plus, like always, her enthusiasm for everything was contagious. Her excitement at showing me all the places she knew and experiencing them together made it impossible not to enjoy myself.
One night, we went out to eat at some local Italian restaurant that she said had “the best pizza you’ll ever have.” I had to admit it, she was right. As we were finishing up the food, she wiped her hands on a napkin and met my eyes.
“So Adrianne.”
“So Kat.”
“Can we talk?” She must have seen the panic enter my eyes, because she rushed to continue. “No, no, not like that. It’s… about what we talked about the night of the dinner party.”
I relaxed. “Oh! Yes, of course. Only if you want to.”
She took my hand across the table. “I do. I want you to know. And you deserve to know.” She swallowed hard before continuing.
“When I was in college, I met a girl. We had a few classes together, and what started as being study buddies became being friends and then… more.” She sighed. “I fell hard. She was funny, kind, beautiful… It was a storybook romance.”
“Do I need to be worried?” I asked, only half joking.
She shook her head. “No. A few months before we graduated, she… she got sick. A highly aggressive form of multiple myeloma, cancer in the bone marrow. At first we thought she had just bruised a bone or something but… it got really bad, really quick. Less than two months after her diagnosis, she was gone.” There were tears running down her face now, and she couldn’t seem to meet my eyes.
“What was her name?” I asked softly, trying to be as gentle as I could.
She smiled sadly, still looking down at the table. “Penelope. Penny.” She finally met my eyes. “Adrianne, I love you so much, but there’s a part of me that will never over losing Penny.”
I nodded and squeezed her hand. “I get it. Grief never really leaves us. It just… buries itself deeper.”
She nodded back and wiped her face with a napkin. “That’s why I’ve been so eager to do everything I want to do with you, I think. I missed out on the chance before, and I don’t want to miss it with you. And I know that even when I lose you, I’ll be alright. Even if I’m not at first.”
I realized there were tears in my eyes, too. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Kat. And for putting you through it again.” She shook her head and opened her mouth to speak, but I interrupted her. “No, I am putting you through it. But I know I wouldn’t be able to talk you out of it even if I still wanted to.” I paused. “Thank you. For telling me. I’m sure that wasn’t easy.”
She smiled softly, and wiped her face again. “It wasn’t. But I wanted to tell you. I want to share everything with you, and that’s a big part of who I am. Thank you for listening. And for not judging, or thinking that it means I care about you any less.” It was her turn to pause. “You… don’t think that, do you?”
“No, of course not.” Relief washed over her face. “Kat, I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever known. If anyone knows about holding that kind of love in your heart, it’s me. I’m glad you told me.”
“That’s a good point. I’m glad I told you, too,” she replied, and gave my hand a squeeze. “You ready to get out of here?”
I nodded and flagged down our waiter for the check. It was my turn to drive home, and Kat was uncharacteristically quiet on the way.
“Hey,” I said to her, putting a hand on her leg while my other held the steering wheel. “You okay?”
She looked up at me, wide-eyed. “Yes. Yeah. I’m okay. I’m sorry, I just-”
“Hey hey, there’s no reason to be sorry,” I interrupted. “I understand. You’re just quiet.”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“Is there anything else you wanna talk about?” When she hesitated, I said, “I’m here to listen, if you need it.”
“I don’t remember what her voice sounded like,” she said after a moment.
I nodded slowly. “It was a long time ago. I don’t even remember what my original mom’s voice sounded like anymore.” She sniffled, and squeezed my hand.
“But what if I forget her?” she asked, and I could hear desperation in her voice. Something told me that this wasn’t just about Penelope.
I pulled the car over and flipped on the hazards. “You won’t. You’ll never forget her.” I brushed the hair out of her face. “It’s both a blessing and a curse. We never forget the people we love, but we also never forget the pain of losing them. I know it’s cheesy to say, but a part of her will always live on in you.” I wiped her tears with my sleeve. “Just like a part of me will always live on in you, and a part of you in me.”
She sniffled again. “That is cheesy.” I laughed softly, and she did too. “Good. I don’t ever want to forget.”
“I know, baby,” I said, pulling her into a hug. It was awkward across the console of her car. “But that’s what grief does. It sticks the bad stuff to us so we never forget the good stuff.”
She hugged me back, and I felt her quivering for a few minutes as she cried. I stroked her hair and rubbed her back until she stilled, and only then did I break the embrace. She looked at me, her mascara bleeding onto her cheeks and her eyes red. I clicked my tongue and started wiping her face again with my sleeve. “You’re so strong, Kat. I’m so proud of you. It took me years after I left my first cycle before I was anything resembling okay, much less able to love again.” I smoothed out her hair and kissed her forehead. “You just keep impressing me, Katherine Cooper.” I waited a few moments as she collected herself. “Are you ready to get home?” She nodded, and I drove off.
When we got home, Kat immediately found Chini and picked her up for snuggles. Chini complained, but Kat told her that she didn’t care. When Chini started wriggling, Kat relented and let her down. We quickly got ready for bed and climbed under the covers and the genuine joy in Kat’s voice when Chini jumped up with us and curled up next to her warmed my heart.
“So Kat,” I said as I rolled onto my side to face her.
“So Adrianne,” she responded. “I can’t roll to face you or Chini will yell at me.”
I laughed. “That’s okay. I just wanted to check on you.”
She turned her head to look at me as best as she could. “I’m okay. Promise. Just a lot of emotions, y’know?”
“I know.” I took her hand and kissed it. “I’m here if you need to talk more, okay?”
“I know,” she smiled at me for the first time in a few hours, and suddenly I knew everything would be okay.
“Good. Now get some rest. I’m sure you have something big planned tomorrow.”
Her eyes lit up. “Yeah! There’s this store I wanna take you to downtown, and then…” She continued, but I was already falling asleep. Besides, I would find out tomorrow. As long as she was okay, that was all I needed in the world.
The trip to Marseille was coming up way faster than I expected. Before long, we were leaving the next day, and I hadn’t even started to prepare for the trip. Luckily, Kat had made sure we got passports and everything taken care of, but I still hadn’t even started packing or emotionally preparing.
Kat, though, was more than ready. She had already been packed for a couple days, and she couldn’t stop talking about all the things we would see and experience there.
“There’s so many beautiful buildings to see,” she was saying as I finally began packing. “And restaurants, and museums, and boutiques, and oh the food. I booked us a food tour that’s supposed to take us to the best restaurants in the city.”
I nodded along and did my best to keep up with all of her plans. It was made extra difficult by also planning what clothes I needed to pack. But, it was nice just to listen to her.
“And I can’t wait to see the Calanques,” she continued. “It’s this gorgeous national park, it looks like something out of a movie.”
“They are beautiful,” I said. “They’re pretty much the only thing I remember from my first time there, and I barely even saw them.”
“Adrianne, I’m so excited.” She beamed at me, and I found myself smiling back. “And I’m so happy that we get to do this together.”
“Me too,” I responded. “Now, do you think you could maybe help me pack? I really have no idea what I’m doing.”
She giggled. “Of course, baby. Here…”
The next day, we were at the airport by 6 A.M. for our 8 A.M. flight.
“Okay, so it’s about a 12 hour flight,” Kat explained as we walked towards our gate. “And it’s a six hour time difference. So we’ll be there at about 2 A.M. Marseille time, so we should be settled in at the hotel by 4, and we can take some time to rest and recover before we really get started on anything.” She was talking quickly and excitedly again, like she was afraid her words would run away if she didn’t get them out fast enough.
Also, she was literally bouncy. She couldn’t seem to sit or stand still, bouncing up and down in place or fidgeting with her carry-on bag. She was so excited, and I couldn’t help but get excited too.
“You gave Moon the spare key, right?” she asked suddenly. “So they can feed Chini?”
I nodded. “Yep. Dropped it off the other day.”
“Okay good,” she said. “So when we get there…”
She continued detailing our plans for the trip. I tried my best to keep up, but she had so much planned that I just couldn’t keep track of it all. That was okay, though, because I knew she would take the lead anyway.
The plane ride was long. I spent some time on my phone and reading a book, but spent most of the time trying to sleep. It was going to be a busy week, and the time difference would be killer, so I knew I would need the rest.
Kat spent the first two hours or so buzzing with excitement. She was filling out a planner, continuing to gush about her plans for us, and smiling wide the whole time. Eventually, she calmed down, and pulled out a book, which she quickly finished, and then pulled out another book. Every time I drifted in and out of sleep, she was still reading.
“You should try to rest, love,” I said at one point when I awoke to see her still reading.
“I can’t,” she responded. “I’m too excited!”
“I know, but you’ll need the rest. Here…” I reached into my carry-on and pulled out a bottle of melatonin pills. “You should take one of these. It’ll help you rest.”
She made a face, but took it anyway. “Yeah, you’re right,” she said as she pulled a pill out of the bottle. She swallowed the pill and smiled at me.
Before long, Kat had passed out with her head on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head and let myself drift off to sleep as well. I woke a few hours later to the announcement that we were making our final descent into Marseille.
I let Kat sleep until we started landing. By the time we touched down, she was wide awake and buzzing again.
“We’re really here, Adrianne!” she said, grinning at me. “Just you and me, on a romantic vacation in the French Riviera.” She squeezed my hand, and I squeezed hers back. “There’s so much to do! I’m so excited!” She kissed me on the cheek, and in spite of everything I still felt a flush.
Waiting to get off the plane felt like an eternity. When we finally did, Kat called us a ride and we headed to the hotel. Kat knew a little French from taking classes in college, so that made it a bit easier, but I was totally lost on the conversation she had with the driver.
We had planned to rest once we got to the hotel, but between the thrill of being where we were (and Kat kissing me repeatedly in the elevator) we didn’t end up getting much of that.
Kat rolled over onto me and put her chin on my chest, looking up to me.
“Hi,” she said.
I laughed. “Hi, baby,” I responded, and reached out to smooth out her hair.
“I’m so happy we can do this,” she said, closing her eyes as I ran my fingers through her hair.
“I am too.”
“We only have a few days here, but they’re going to be amazing.”
“I know they will. Anything with you would be.”
She flushed. “Dork. That’s cheesy.”
I laughed again. “I know.”
“I have some things planned that neither of us will ever forget.” She grinned at me with a hint of mischief. “But I want you to know that more than anything else, I’m just happy to be here with you and spend this time with you, and that I love you.”
“I love you too, Kat.”
She grinned even wider. “Okay!” She stood and picked up my underwear from the floor, and then threw it at me. “Get dressed. We have a big day planned.”
It was a big day. A big couple of days. She really had booked out almost all of our time in the city. We went on architecture tours and to museums and restaurants and so much more. It was incredible. It felt like we were always doing something new and exciting, but never like we were rushed. It was, dare I say, perfect.
On our fourth day, Kat’s plans took us to the Calanques.
“Wear your walking shoes,” she said as we were getting ready. “We’re going hiking today.”
We certainly hiked. It was a long and beautiful walk through the mountains of the Calanques. She seemed to know where we were going somehow, and we hiked up a mountain to a gorgeous promontory overlooking the Mediterranean, complete with an observation platform.
I walked up to the railing and took a deep breath, taking in the sea air and the view of the water. The sun was starting to go down, painting the sky with beautiful oranges and reds. It was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen.
Kat sidled up next to me and pressed her body against mine. “It’s so beautiful,” she said. I tried to come up with a romantic answer but couldn’t find the words. She leaned against the bar and pointed off along the coast. “Look, you can see part of the city there.”
I looked, and sure enough part of the city was peeking out from behind the mountains. I looked closely and thought I could see our hotel. I reached out to tap her shoulder to point it out, but my hand only passed through empty air.
I panicked for a moment and looked over the railing, but saw only the waves crashing against the mountain. I spun around, my heart racing, only for it to stop when I saw her.
For a moment, my brain refused to understand what I was looking at. Kat was lower to the ground. On her knees. On one knee. She was looking at me, and in trembling arms, holding a small box up to me. The box was open, and inside, a ring.
“Adrianne,” she began, and I already felt the tears springing to my eyes. “I know we don’t have a lot of time left together. But the few months we’ve already had have been some of the best of my life. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t get to call you my wife before you left.” By now, she was crying, too.
“Adrianne Wilson, will you marry me?”
I choked out a sob. “Yes, Kat, oh yes,” I managed to get out before running to her and falling to my knees, wrapping my arms around her.
We stayed like that for a while, holding each other and crying in the salty, sunset air. She put a hand on my cheek and kissed me all over my face, and I clutched at her clothes and sobbed.
At that moment, I knew that she was the love of my life.
The rest of Marseille was kind of a blur. We kept on with all of Kat’s plans, but it all felt different now. Better. She wasn’t just my girlfriend, she was my fiancée. She was going to be my wife. Just the thought made me giddy. We spent the rest of the week in a blur of romance and passion and the best sex I’d ever had.
The time to return home came a lot quicker than I expected. We packed up, complete with souvenirs (and my ring!) and boarded the plane for the flight back to Chicago Midway.
Once the plane was at cruising altitude, I realized how exhausted I was. It had been an amazing week, but we had barely had a chance to rest the entire trip. I felt my eyes begin to droop, but woke up when I felt Kat’s head fall against my shoulder. I glanced down at her to see that she was already fast asleep. I guess she was exhausted, too. I smiled and kissed the top of her head, and let myself drift off to sleep as well.
I woke up a few times throughout the flight before waking up for good for the last two hours or so. Kat was still fast asleep. I spent a few moments just watching her. She was so beautiful, even after 10 hours asleep on a plane. I was so lucky to have her. Lucky to call her my fiancée.
I could have lived in this moment forever, watching my fiancée sleep on the way home from our fairytale vacation. I had never felt happier. Certainly not since I started the loops.
I felt myself starting to spiral again. Why do I have to leave? I thought, equal parts terror and anguish and rage. Why are you doing this to me? I thought, directing my thoughts to Them. Just let me stay!
My vision went black, and I felt the agonizingly familiar sense of panic and nausea as I entered a vision. When it faded back in, I was in the blank, shadowy room, and I saw the figures of Them surrounding it. I stood from the chair, angry.
“Why?” I demanded, angry tears springing to my eyes and pouring down my face. “Why can’t you let me stay?”
I heard murmuring from the figure, and even though I still couldn’t understand the words, I understood the meaning.
You must learn the why.
You haven’t learned to know.
Your path is not over.
“Please, tell me what to do! I don’t want to lose her!”
The path must be walked.
The learning must be known.
You must persevere.
“Is it even worth that without her?” I didn’t mean the words. Not really. But I was angry and sad and wanted this to end.
It must be.
Your path is your own.
You must persevere.
We will speak again soon.
My vision snapped back to the plane cabin. My face felt warm, and I reached up to touch it and found that the tears had bled over into the real world. I sniffed and wiped my face. I didn’t want Kat to wake up and see. I looked back to her and traced the lines of her face with my eyes. Just looking at her helped me calm down.
Some part of her must have realized I was watching her because she began to stir. Her eyes fluttered open and I found myself looking into that deep, beautiful green.
“Hey, beautiful,” I said softly.
“Mmm,” she exhaled with a stretch and a slight blush. “We almost home?”
“Think so. 2 hours or so until we land.”
She nodded and smiled at me, and then put her head back on my shoulder.
“So Adrianne.”
“So Kat.”
“This week was amazing.”
“It was.” I took her hand and squeezed it. She touched my ring with her other hand.
“And we got engaged,” she said, and I could hear the emotion in her voice.
“We did,” I said, and turned my head to look at her. “You okay?”
She sniffed, and I saw that her eyes were wet. “Yeah. I just…”
“I know, baby.” I wiped her face with my sleeve and kissed her forehead. “But let’s not worry about that right now.” I was telling myself as much as I was telling her. “We have a wedding to plan.”
She nodded, and her eyes lit up. “Yeah! I wasn’t thinking anything huge.”
I shook my head. “I mean, I only know like 12 people, and only a third of those I would even consider having there. And all of them are ones you’d be inviting anyway.”
She laughed. “Yeah. I was kind of just thinking we could invite people to the park where we went on our first date and do it there. And just a handful of people. Moon, Mateo, Kylie, Andrew. Maybe my parents?”
I nodded, suddenly nervous. I’ll have to meet her parents, I thought. She squeezed my hand.
“If you don’t want them there-”
“No, no,” I interrupted. “They should be there. Just nervous to meet them.”
She smiled softly. “They’ll love you, I know it.”
We kept talking about the wedding for a while. I must have been distant or quiet because after a bit she met my eyes and I could see the concern etched into her face.
“Are you okay, love?” she asked softly.
I flinched, and then nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry. I… I had another vision.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shook my head. “There isn’t much to say. It’s nothing new. They just keep telling me the same things that They always have.” I sighed. “Still no answers, still no clue what They want or why I’m doing this. And I still have to leave.”
She put a hand on my cheek. “I’m sorry, baby.”
I took her hand away from my face and shook my head. “No, I’m sorry. I brought you into this. It’s because of me that you have to go through this.” She started to interrupt me but I didn’t let her. “It is. It’s maybe not my fault because it’s not like I chose this, but it is because of me. You have no reason to apologize to me, it’s all-”
“Adrianne,” she cut me off. “I’m going to marry you.” I flushed, and she continued. “I know what’s going to happen, and I don’t care. I love you, and I am going to call you my wife. You having to leave doesn’t change that.”
“But it should, Kat.”
“No, it shouldn’t. I would rather do everything we can in our time together than never have known you. The time we’ve already spent together I wouldn’t trade for anything. Of course it’s going to hurt when you’re gone but the time we’ve spent together makes it worth it.”
I didn’t respond at first. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I wanted to cry, but no more tears would come. A huge part of me still felt so guilty for doing this to her, for letting her be a part of my life when we both knew what would happen. But a bigger part of me didn’t care. That part wanted to believe her, that it was okay and that it was worth it.
Lately, that part had been winning. The guilt was still there, but her happiness and love and relentless optimism must have rubbed off on me because I was starting to believe it too. I squeezed her hand.
“I love you, too,” I finally responded. She smiled, and I smiled back.
“Now, the wedding…”
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