“Are you ready, baby?” Kat asked as she smoothed out my shirt.
“Not really,” I responded. “But let’s do this.”
“Me either,” she said with a laugh. “But yes. Let’s.”
She kissed me quickly and then led me by the hand into the next room.
We were at Moon’s apartment. It was their turn to host dinner, so Mateo, Kylie, and Andrew were here too. It was our first time seeing everyone since we got back from Marseille, and Kat and I were nervous for a very specific reason.
We were planning to announce our engagement.
Kat led me into Moon’s dining room and we sat down opposite Moon and Andrew. Mateo and Kylie were at the head and foot of the table where Moon had strategically positioned them to mitigate their bickering about boys.
“It smells delicious,” Kat said as we got settled into our places.
“Thank you,” responded Moon with a smile.
It turned out to be just as delicious as it smelled. Moon had made us some fried tofu dish. I didn’t really know what it was, but it was sweet and spicy and crispy and very tasty. We sat and ate and talked like we always did. It felt like home.
As everyone was finishing up, I felt a poke at my thigh. Kat was looking at me quizzically, and I read the unspoken question in her eyes. Are you ready? I gave her a slight nod and took my hand and gave it a squeeze.
“Hey, everybody.” I could see her take a deep breath and she squeezed my hand again. “Adrianne and I have something to tell you.”
“You’re pregnant,” Mateo said loudly. There was a chorus of laughs from around the table.
“No, no. Um.” She lifted my hand up from below the table and turned it around, showing everyone my ring. “We are getting married,” she finished slowly.
There was no immediate response. Andrew spoke up first.
“Kitty, are… are you sure? You haven’t known each other very long-”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” Kat said, and I felt a flush rise.
“Kat, you know we all only want you to be happy,” Moon said. “But after Penelope-”
“This isn’t about Penny. Not really. She taught me to not wait for what I know.
She looked at me and smiled, and I felt my fear melt away. “And I know that I want to marry this woman.”
There was silence for a few more moments, before Mateo spoke up.
“So will there be an open bar at the wedding?”
There was laughter around the table again, and that seemed to break the spell.
“If you’re sure, Kitty, then of course I’ll stand by you, like always,” said Andrew.
“I’ve always thought you two were perfect together,” said Kylie, offering up a toast.
Moon, I noticed, still looked concerned. We would have to talk to them later.
As it turned out, we didn’t have to wait long. Andrew insisted on cleaning up, and he dragged Mateo to help him, and Kylie joined in to help too. Moon pulled the two of us into the other room.
“Kat,” they said.
“Moon, I-”
“Shhh, just listen.” Kat shut her mouth and let Moon speak. “Does Adrianne know?” Kat knew what they were asking, and nodded. “Okay,” Moon continued. “Then I know how much losing Penny hurt. I know it taught you how important it is to live your life, but I don’t think you would be rushing into this like you are without a reason.” They turned to me. “Do you remember your promise?”
I nodded, remembering my promise to do everything I could to avoid hurting Kat. “I do.”
“Okay. Then I need one or both of you to tell me right now, and I need the truth. What’s really going on?”
I turned to Kat. I could tell that Moon wasn’t going to take no for an answer, but I didn’t want to dump this on them. “I, um-” I started to say.
Kat put a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll tell them, Adrianne.” She took a deep breath and turned back to Moon. “Adrianne will be gone in two months.”
“Gone? What do you mean gone? Are you sick?” they asked me, wide-eyed.
“Um, not exactly,” I stammered out.
Kat went on to explain the entire situation to Moon. My loops, Them, how long we had, all of it. Their expression shifted from concern and fear to confusion to sympathy before eventually settling on a sad look of understanding.
“So,” they began. “You’re just… making the most of it?”
Kat nodded. “After Penny, I’m not going to let that chance slip through my fingers again. I love Adrianne so much and I want to call her my wife while I can.”
Moon took a deep breath, sighed, and relaxed their shoulders. “Okay. Well. Now that I know the full picture, I get it.” They put a hand on each of our shoulders. “I support you. You two are great together and I love you both. I’d be happy to see you married, and if there’s anything I can do, just ask, okay?” All three of us were fighting back tears.
“Well, since you’re offering,” Kat began with a laugh. “Moon, will you be my Moon of Honor?”
All three of us laughed, and Moon hugged Kat. “Of course I will. Whatever you need.” The two of them pulled me into the hug, too.
Our tender moment was ruined by the sounds of Mateo and Kylie arguing loudly in the other room. “We should probably go and put a stop to that,” said Kat, and we laughed again.
“Go ahead, Moon,” said Kat. “We’ll be right behind you.”
Once Moon had left the room, Kat kissed me intensely and hugged me tighter than I think she ever had. “We did it,” she said with a contented sigh.
“We did,” I said as I kissed her again. “C’mon, let’s join the others.”
She kissed me one more time. “Let’s.”
The next few weeks passed by in a blur. We spent much of it planning the wedding, interspersed with checking boxes off of Kat’s list and spending time with our friends. Before I knew it, the wedding day arrived.
We had reserved the park where we had our first date for the ceremony. Kat had found a planner to help us out with all of it, and they did an amazing job. The park was beautiful. Spring was well underway, so the trees had regained their leaves and the park was filled with vibrant flowers. The planners had set up an arch replete with flowers and greenery, and it was perfect.
The morning of was nerve-wracking. Kat was with Moon and Mateo for the day, and I got Andrew and Kylie. Kylie did my makeup and hair, and Andrew did his best to keep me calm and ready to go.
A part of me still wanted to run. It wasn’t too late. I could run away, hurt her now to avoid hurting her when I leave. I didn’t deserve her, and she didn’t deserve to be hurt.
But I knew I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I wanted this, and I knew she wanted it too, in spite of everything.
The ceremony time came quickly. Our friends place us on opposite sides of the arch, facing away from each other, and then took their places on either side. At a cue from Andrew, who was officiating, we turned to see each other.
I immediately felt tears spring to my eyes. I had never seen a sight more beautiful or been as in love. Her dress was long and had a beautiful train, and it covered her neck and arms in a way that was at once elegant and simple. It fit her perfectly, of course, and her hair was done up in an elaborate updo that perfectly accented her face. She was the most beautiful woman in the world.
And I was about to call her my wife.
She was crying, too.
“You look so beautiful,” she choked out.
“So do you,” I replied though sobs.
“Okay now, you too,” began Andrew. “You’ll get your chance to talk.” There were laughs from the rest. Our friends were on either side, and her parents and family were in the chairs. All in all, there were only about 20 people counting us, but I preferred the smaller crowd.
Andrew went through his part. It was about how much he loved both of us and had seen us grow, and he talked about how Kat had learned from Penny, but I was barely paying attention. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.
It came time for us to say the vows. Kat was first.
“So Adrianne,” she began.
“So Kat,” I said, knowing that it was what she wanted.
“These past few months have been… the best of my life. That day in Vienne’s when we met was pure chance, but it was the greatest coincidence of my life. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. You are so kind and thoughtful and amazing. You’re passionate and smart and I love you so, so much. You helped me learn what it means to love again, and the time that we have spent together, even though it hasn’t been much, I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. It is going to be the biggest privilege to call you my wife, and I can’t wait to call you mine.”
I was sobbing by the time she finished, but I eventually calmed myself down enough to say my own vows.
“Katherine Cooper,” I began, and immediately began sobbing again. There was a chorus of “awws” and laughter from the crowd, and it took some effort to calm myself down as Kat wiped my face.
“Katherine Cooper,” I began again. “You are my everything. Not a moment goes by that I don’t think of you. Your smile fills my heart, and eyes fill my mind, and your love fills my soul. You have given me so much and taught me how to be human again, and I wish I could repay the favor. I want to give you the entire universe, but I’ll settle for giving you all of me. I love you more than anything, and I never ever want to leave your side.” I was sobbing again, and my words devolved into blubbering. She laughed and wiped my tears as best she could, and then took my hands again. With some effort I finished my vows. “Calling you my wife is the greatest thing I could ever have, and I am going to remember this day and the experiences we have had for the rest of my existence. I love you, Kat.” She mouthed the words back at me while Andrew continued.
“Katherine Cooper, do you take Adrianne Wilson, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to love and honor her with your every action and word, as long as you both shall live?”
“I do,” she said, in tears.
“Adrianne Wilson, do you take Katherine Cooper, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to love and honor her with your every action and word, as long as you both shall live?”
“I do,” I choked out between sobs.
“Then I now pronounce you wife and wife. You may kiss your bride.”
We kissed, the salt from our tears mingling together. The kiss felt at once like an eternity and an instant, and though I’m sure the crowd was applauding and cheering, I heard none of it. At that moment, my entire universe was her. Katherine Cooper was my wife, and I was hers.
Even though I knew it would be devastating, and I wished I could stay with her forever and ever, for the first time in who knows how long, I was ready to move on.
Before I knew it, before I was ready (not that I ever would be), our last days together came. I’d been counting down the days, and I knew Kat was too, but we were doing our best not to think about it. That didn’t mean we weren’t going on in spite of it, though. We spent the last few weeks finishing up Kat’s list and just enjoying each other’s company while we could.
I woke on our final day to the smell of toast.
I sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. Kat was already up, presumably making the breakfast I could smell from here, and I stood and stretched. I made my way out into the kitchen to see her busy making eggs and bacon to go with the toast. She smiled softly at me as I entered, and I could feel rather than see the sadness that she felt.
I tried not to think about my own sadness and walked up to her, wrapping my arms around her and hugging her from behind.
“Hi, love,” she said, and placed her hands over mine.
“Hi,” I responded, and kissed the back of her head.
She made a contented noise and picked her spatula back up. “Let me finish breakfast, okay?” she said, and I nodded. I held the hug for another few seconds, and then broke away. I made a pot of coffee while she finished cooking.
We ate breakfast together mostly in silence. It seemed like neither of us wanted to say it aloud. Not that we needed to. We both knew it was here.
She finished eating first, and she clutched her coffee mug like it was a life preserver as she stared at her empty plate. Once I finished, she finally met my eyes, for the first time today.
“God, this sucks,” she said, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.
I nodded, and felt tears spring to my own eyes. “Yeah.”
“I didn’t expect to be this… scared,” she said
I nodded again. “Yeah.”
She stood abruptly and walked around the table. She wrapped her arms around my head and held it against herself, her fingers lacing through my hair. I felt the warmth of her body on mine, and I wrapped my arms around her waist.
“I don’t want to go,” I said, my voice muffled against her stomach.
“I don’t want you to either,” she whispered.
After what felt like simultaneously a second and an hour, she squeezed my head once and pulled away.
“Okay, get up,” she commanded, and I obeyed. “Go get dressed. We have a few things to do today.”
“We do?”
“We do. There’s two more things on my list, and one more thing that isn’t on the list but we’re doing anyway.”
“Okay,” I said, and kissed her. “I love you.”
She smiled again, still with sadness hidden beneath the smile I had grown to love so much. “I love you too. Now go!”
I laughed softly, and obliged.
The first thing on her list turned out to be a trip to Mel’s coffee shop, the start of our story together. We’d already had coffee and breakfast, but that didn’t stop us from ordering cappuccinos and croissants, like we always did. While we were there, we just… talked. We talked about some little things, like Mateo’s new boyfriend and how quickly we thought that would end, but more than that we talked about our time together. We talked about our first date and the trip to Marseille and our wedding, we talked about Chini and our home and our friends, and we talked about each other. There was an unspoken agreement not to talk about the future or about hypotheticals, so instead we just reminisced.
We finished up at Mel’s and we headed over to Moon’s place for the final item on Kat’s list. It was a lunch party, just like our dinner parties but a few hours earlier. Everyone was there – Mateo, Kylie, Moon, and Andrew – and though most of them were none the wiser, I did my best to enjoy our last time together.
Before we left, Moon pulled Kat and I into their bedroom.
“Hey,” they said, and I could tell that they knew what today was. Before either of us could respond, they grabbed us both and pulled us into a hug. “I love you both so much,” they said, their voice muffled, and I felt Kat’s body shake as she began to cry.
We broke off the hug, and Moon faced me. “Adrianne, it was been such a privilege to know you. You’ve been a wonderful presence in all of our lives, especially Kat’s. I hate that you have to go, but I’m glad you were here. I’ll miss you.” By the time they finished, I was crying too.
Moon turned to Kat. “Kat…” they said, and reached out and took her hand. “I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make her stay, but we all know that we can’t. If you need some space after today, I’ll give it to you, but I will always be here for you if you need me.” Kat nodded and threw herself into Moon’s arms again. Moon grabbed me and pulled me into the hug too. We were all crying by now, and we held each other for a few moments.
I wiped my tears, then wiped Kat’s tears, and then turned back to Moon. “You are a wonderful person, Moon,” I said. “And you’re an amazing friend to Kat. There’s nobody in any universe that I would feel better about leaving her with.” They smiled, and Kat squeezed my hand. I continued. “Thank you for welcoming me, and I know you’ll take care of her for me.” They nodded, and we all hugged one more time before Kat and I worked up the strength to leave.
We said goodbye to the others, and I tried my best to not make it seem final. I’m sure they could tell that something was up, but nobody pried. Kat and I headed downstairs and got into her car. Before we pulled away, she took a deep break and took my hand, squeezing so hard that I could barely feel my fingers.
“Okay. One more thing,” she said, and I could tell she was still fighting back tears. She glanced at the clock. “We have two more hours, and there’s one more place I want to go.”
I nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
The last place turned out to be the park where we finished our first date and got married. At some point she had packed a picnic of charcuterie and wine, just like before. It was a bit cold today, but the sun was shining, and we headed to the top of the hill and looked down over the town one final time. We spread out the picnic blanket and sat, and before even pulling anything out of the basket she pressed against me and held my arm. We sat, looking out over the town for a few minutes, and I felt her body begin to shake again. I couldn’t hold back my own tears anymore either.
After a while, we managed to slow and then stop our sobs. We did our best to enjoy the picnic. The food was delicious and so was the wine. As usual I drank a lot more than she did, but we still finished the bottle quicker than we ever had before.
Eventually, we decided we should head back home. We made it back with about half an hour to spare, and both of us were barely keeping it together. We sat on the couch holding hands, and Chini jumped up with us. That set me off again, which set Kat off again, and the three of us cuddled down in a puddle of sobs and one very confused and slightly disgruntled cat.
The minutes ticked by in agony. Each tick of the clock felt like an icy dagger thrusting into my heart, and I’m sure Kat felt the same way. As the last minutes rolled around, I felt her hands clutching at my clothes as she continued to sob.
“Adrianne,” she choked out. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I know baby, I know. I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you forever and ever. I wish I could change things and I hate that I’m doing this to you.”
She shook her head. “Adrianne, I love you so much. More than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. I wouldn’t trade what we had for anything. I’m going to remember you forever.”
I futilely wiped her tears. “I will too. I love you too, more than anything.”
“I need you to promise me something,” she said, desperately. I just nodded, and she continued. “Take the time to mourn, obviously. Let yourself feel, let yourself grieve. But don’t do it forever. However many more of these you have to do, I want you to find some measure of happiness. I am going to miss you so much, but I need to know that you will still be happy.”
I nodded slowly. “I will. Some day. You’ve helped me learn to love again. And to know that it’s okay for me to love people. I don’t know how long it will take, and I won’t ever forget you, but I’ll be okay. Eventually. I promise” She nodded and squeezed me tight again. “But I need you to promise that, too. That you’ll be okay.”
She sobbed as I said that, but regained control. “I will. I will. It’s going to be so hard, but I will. I have Moon and Andy and everyone. I’ll be okay. Promise.”
I forced out a smile. “Good,” I said, and held her tight again. I kissed the top of her head, and I felt the unfortunately familiar pull in my head as I began to fade out. “Kat,” I choked out. “It’s starting.”
She sobbed and kissed me, over and over again. I kissed her back, feeling myself fading out. I wrapped my arms around her, and she wrapped her arms around me, and I held her close as my vision darkened. The last thing I was aware of was the warmth of her body, and her last words to me that I more felt than heard.
Goodbye, Adrianne. Be happy. I love you.
My body worked in overdrive to acclimate myself to the new reality, and I felt the adrenaline rushing through my veins. It also didn’t help that I was still sobbing.
Kat, I thought, and I felt my body wrack with sobs. I would never see her again. She was the love of my life, and she was gone. I curled myself into a ball, and as I did, I saw a glint on my finger. I was startled and looked at it. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was impossible, wasn’t it? I never took anything with me when I went to a new reality.
On my hand were my wedding and engagement rings. Maybe They took pity on me. Maybe I willed them to come with me or something. I don’t know. I didn’t care. I clenched my fist and curled tighter, sobbing harder. It hurt so much. It hurt so much that it was physical. My chest was tight, my throat constricted, and my heart felt like it was being squeezed in an iron vice. I sobbed for… I don’t even know how long. It felt like years. Even when I regained control of my breathing, I couldn’t bring myself to leave the bed I had found myself in. It felt like I would never be okay.
It wasn’t even just about Kat, either. I found myself thinking of Moon and Andrew and Chini. Of Vienne’s and the Bookworm and the park where we got married. Of the life we had tried to build together in our short time. I wanted it all back. It hurt so much. And when I thought of how they all must be feeling… Well, that hurt even more.
I stayed like that, wallowing, for days. I didn’t eat, I barely drank, I barely even used the restroom. One day, I glanced out the window and gasped aloud.
I had ended up in the mountains, somewhere. It was early morning, and the sun was just beginning to show its face over the peaks. Fog filled the valley that I found myself in, and as the sun hit the fog every sunbeam was brilliantly traced. It was like something out of a fantasy movie.
I stood by the window for a while, watching the sunbeams move across the valley as the sun climbed higher over the mountain peaks. It was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen.
As I stood there, looking out over this picturesque valley, I knew something. It would hurt for a very long time, and part of me would never get over losing her. But I could be okay. I would be okay. In this most beautiful ending, I had found a new beginning. I could learn to be okay, to love again, and to be happy, in spite of everything. And I decided right there that I would. She wouldn’t have wanted me to be heartbroken for the rest of my existence. I had to keep moving, keep living. For her sake, if not my own.
I took a deep breath and wiped my face. I would be okay. I would find a way to live again, not just exist. The world was still beautiful, and I was still here.
But first, I needed a cappuccino.
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