I woke up the next morning to the smell of toast.
I sat up in bed and my head throbbed. I looked to my side and Kat wasn’t there. I felt a surge of disappointment, but it quickly faded when I heard her voice from the kitchen area of my apartment.
“Good morning, love,” Kat called out. “I’m making breakfast and coffee.”
I moaned out in reply, my head throbbing. I heard soft laughter in reply. After a few moments, I stood and stumbled towards the kitchen.
Kat was finishing up making breakfast and coffee, just like she said. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun, and she was wearing one of my oversized hoodies with no pants. She smiled at me as I entered the room, and I felt my heart flutter.
I dropped down into a chair at the table and groaned again as she brought over a plate with scrambled eggs and toast, and what looked to be a cappuccino.
“How’s your head?” She asked after kissing my forehead.
“Feels like someone is trapped inside and trying to drill their way out,” I replied, reaching for the cappuccino. “Oh this is delicious, Kat, thank you,” I said after taking a sip.
She shrugged, suddenly a bit sheepish. “I was a barista for a few months in college.”
“I bet you were every customer’s favorite.”
She sat down opposite me with her own plate and mug. We ate in silence for a few moments. I broke it first.
“So Kat.”
“So Adrianne.”
“Last night.”
She flushed slightly. “Last night.”
“Am I remembering everything right?” I asked. “Some parts of the night are kinda fuzzy.”
“What do you remember?” She looked at me through her eyelashes as she drank her coffee.
“That you asked me to be your girlfriend. And of course I said yes.”
“Yeah, that happened,” She replied, nodding and then blushing deeper. “What else?”
“That, um. I said I loved you.”
“Yeah, that happened too.”
“And then, obviously, I asked you to stay.”
“You did. And I did.”
“Right. Did I um… forget anything?”
She cocked her head slightly. “What do you mean?”
“The last thing I remember is asking you to stay. Did um. Did anything happen after that?”
She turned even brighter red. “No. Um. It didn’t. Why? Did you want it to?”
It was my turn to become bright red. “I, um, I mean… maybe not when I was that drunk, but, I mean, yeah, I do. Of course I do.”
We sat in awkward silence for a few more minutes, eating our breakfasts. Once most of our food was gone, she rather suddenly stood up and took me by the hand, pulling me up to my feet. “C’mon,” she said.
“Where are we going?” I asked, already letting her lead me by the hand.
“Where do you think, silly? Your bed.”
My heart skipped a beat, and my face probably looked like a tomato. She led me to the bedroom and hungrily pressed her lips against mine. I kissed her back with just as much hunger. She pushed me down onto the bed, and I didn’t even think about trying to stop her.
We collapsed backwards onto the bed together, our legs and hands entwined, as we tried to catch our breath. We laid there like that for a few moments before I turned my head to face her.
“Wow,” I said, still breathless.
Kat laughed and grinned at me. “Wow,” she answered in kind. She rolled onto her stomach and rested her chin on my chest, looking up at me. “I love you,” she said, and I flushed.
“I love you, too.” She grinned even bigger at my response. She kissed me, and then stood and stretched.
“I’m gonna go take a shower,” she said. “Care to join me?” I flushed and nodded. She took my hand and led me there, and we spent a lot more time there than we needed to.
Afterwards, wrapped in towels, we headed over towards my dressers and I started to dig for clothes. My towel started to slip and I let it fall, and I heard an approving noise from behind me. I flushed and turned to see her watching me.
“What?” I said, embarrassed.
“Just admiring the view,” she replied. I picked up my towel and tossed it at her in response, and she laughed. “What, I’m not allowed to admire my naked girlfriend?”
My heart fluttered. Girlfriend. I wasn’t used to it yet. I hoped I never would be.
I dug out some clothes and got dressed, and when I turned around she was still sitting on the bed, watching me. I flushed deeper.
“Can I borrow some clothes?” she asked. “I could put mine from last night on but I’d rather have clean ones.”
“Course. I’m not sure how well they’ll fit but feel free.”
It was my turn to admire as she got dressed. She was so beautiful. I loved every part of her. I wanted to hold her and touch her and never ever let go. My heart ached thinking about what would happen when my six months were up. I tried not to think about it. For now. It wouldn’t do either of us any good. Besides, I still had over four months left.
My clothes didn’t fit her very well, like I thought. My bras were too big so she chose to go without, and the pants were a bit too long, but it was good enough. She picked out a pair of jeans (they were skinny jeans on me but not on her) and an oversized pink sweatshirt. Even though it was simple and cozy, she still looked beautiful. She turned back to face me and wrinkled her nose.
“I want to stay here forever,” she said. “But I have work in an hour.” She sat next to me on the bed. “I should head home so I can get into my work clothes and make it there on time.”
I made a face back. “Can’t you call off?” I said, half joking.
She sighed. “I could, but I did yesterday for karaoke.”
“No, it’s okay. You’ve gotta work,” I said.
“I know. I just wish I didn’t have to leave you.” Her words made my heart ache. She looked at me sheepishly. “Can I come back tonight?”
“I wish you would,” I said. She smiled and kissed me.
“Okay, I’m gonna head out.” She stood and I walked her to the door. She put a hand on my cheek and pulled me in for another kiss. When she pulled away she met my eyes. “I love you, girlfriend,” she said.
“I love you, too, girlfriend. See you tonight.”
“See you soon.”
I watched out the window to make sure she made it to her car. And to see her as much as I could. Once her car was out of sight, I went back to the bed and sat down, staring into space for a few moments. I couldn’t keep my mind from going back to what would happen in a few months. Leaving her. The fear and sadness hit me like a freight train, and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming to my eyes, and then sobs to wrack my body.
It wasn’t fair. Not just the whole universe hopping thing. But I had gotten used to it. I had gotten used to not caring about anyone, about being alone and just going through and surviving. But now… I finally had a reason to stick around, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t even know why I had to go through this, it just wasn’t fair-
My vision went black, and I started to panic. A vision? I hadn’t had one in a long time. Whoever They were and whatever They wanted, this was how they communicated with me. But they hadn’t in a very long time. I figured they had either given up or decided to leave me on my own.
My vision began to fade back in, but it wasn’t my apartment. I was in a round room, dark except for where the chair I sat in was. Around the edges of the room were shadowy figures that I couldn’t make out any features from. They murmured, and though I couldn’t make out any words, I somehow gleaned what They were saying.
This is meant to happen.
You were destined to meet.
We cannot help you determine your path.
You must persevere.
“Why are you doing this to me?!” I cried, still sobbing. “Why can’t I stay with her? It isn’t fair!”
Fairness has nothing to do with it.
Your path is your own.
You must persevere.
“Please! Let me stay! Let me be free!”
You must persevere.
You must learn to know.
“Know what? Tell me how I can stay!”
You must persevere.
My vision snapped back to reality. I gasped for air and tried to calm my heartbeat. I collapsed onto the bed, still sobbing. They were just as little help as always, of course. I wouldn’t be staying here. I knew that. It didn’t change how much it hurt and how much I hated Them. I wanted to be with her forever. I wanted to be free.
I curled myself into a ball and cried for longer than I should have. A part of me felt like giving up. But I saw Kat in my mind’s eye. I saw her smile and her eyes, and I knew I couldn’t give up on her. I had to keep trying. For her, if not for myself. Maybe I could find a way to get out of this. They sure seemed to think I could, even if not in this loop. I hugged myself, and forced myself out of bed.
I would keep trying. For Kat. And for myself. And I would succeed, even if it took me forever.
A few hours later, I was still curled up in bed when I heard a knock at the door to my apartment. I nearly jumped out of my skin and glanced at the clock. Kat, I thought. It was probably her, back from work.
I headed to the door and looked out the peephole, and my guess was confirmed. I quickly unlocked the door and saw her smiling face greeting me. Her face fell when she saw mine.
“Oh, baby, have you been crying?” she asked, and the worry in her face made my heart ache. I nodded in response and she wrapped me into a hug. She brought me over to the couch and, without a word, she pulled my head against her chest and started to stroke my hair. I sat with her, listening to her heartbeat and feeling her chest rise and fall as she breathed. If I hadn’t already cried myself out, I would probably be crying again.
After a few minutes, she kissed the top of my head. “Hey,” she murmured. I readjusted so I could look at her, and the concern I could see from her face nearly set me off again. “You don’t have to, but if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen,” she said. “I’m here for you, no matter what. You’re safe with me.”
I knew she meant it. I could tell her, I thought. Tell her everything. She would believe me. Right? She wouldn’t hate me, wouldn’t run away, wouldn’t leave me forever, even though I would have to leave her. I could trust her, I would be safe with her.
But what if she didn’t? What if she thought I was crazy or lying or just looking for an excuse? I don’t think I could stand to see her heartbreak or anger. Or worse, her pity. But then I looked back into her eyes, and all I saw was worry and love.
“I’ll have to leave you in a few months,” I blurted out.
She nodded. “You’ve mentioned that a few times,” she replied. “I’ll come with you, wherever you go.”
I shook my head. “No, you don’t get it. It’s not like that.”
“What is it like?”
“It’s… it’s hard to explain. I need you to stick with me, okay?” I sat up and took a deep breath. “Every six months, I wake up in a new parallel dimension.”
She blinked at me. “What do you mean?”
“I go to sleep after six months and when I wake up in the morning I’m in a new universe. I’m the same, I have all my memories and my body is always the same, but everything else is different. New place, different people, no connection to the old one. Sometimes big things have changed, like politics and culture. But I can never find people again.”
She nodded slowly, and I continued. “I’ve been doing this for… god, I don’t even know how long. It’s been so long that I barely even remember who I was before all of this. I don’t even remember my mom’s face anymore, Kat.” I felt tears coming to my eyes again. “I’d given up on trying to make friends or have a real life, and had just been going through these cycles trying to survive and cling to sanity and hoping, despite every indication, that one day I’ll be free.” My tears were flowing freely now, “And then I met you. And suddenly, for the first time in who knows how long, I want to stay. I want to stay with you forever, but I can’t. They’re going to send me to a new reality and I’m going to leave you, lose you, forever, and there’s nothing I can do about that. And it breaks my heart to think about that but I can’t stop thinking about it.” I trailed off into sobs, and I felt her arm wrap around my shoulders and her other hand grasp mine.
She held me like that for a few moments. When I stopped sobbing, she reached out and put a hand on my cheek, and turned my face to look at her. I realized I hadn’t met her eyes since I started, and her expression made me flinch. It was pain and anger, just like I feared. I choked out an apology, and her expression immediately softened.
“Oh, baby, no, I’m not upset with you,” she said, her voice soothing and warm. “I’m angry for you. How are you okay?”
My breath hitched. “I don’t think I am.”
“Adrianne, listen.” I forced myself to meet her eyes. “It isn’t fair, what’s been done to you. I can’t believe you’re even still sane. It sucks that you’re going to leave, but I don’t care. I won’t leave you. You’re so strong, Adrianne. I’m so proud of you for making it this far.”
I was sobbing again. “But why?” I choked out. “Why are you going to stay when you already know how it’ll end?”
She squeezed my hand tight enough that it hurt, but I didn’t take it away. “Because I can’t imagine not having tried,” she replied. I noticed she was crying, too. “A few months with you that end in pain is so much better than never having been with you.” She wiped my tears with her sleeve. “I love you so much, Adrianne. I promise you I’ll be with you until the end.” She threw her arms around me and held me tight. I buried my face in her shoulder and held her back.
“I love you, too, Kat,” I said through sobs. “So much.”
After a few minutes, we both managed to stop our crying. She squeezed me one more time and broke off the embrace. She stood, and reached a hand down to help me stand. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up.”
I let her take me to the bathroom, where she dried my tears with some tissues and helped me clean my face. “Have you eaten since breakfast?” she asked. I shook my head, and she nodded. “Okay, let’s get some food in you.” She led me to the kitchen and sat me down. She kissed my forehead and then started rummaging around in the cupboards and fridge. I sat there watching her, thinking.
She had believed me. Not only that, but she had promised to stay anyway. Here she was, taking care of me and being with me, even though she knew that it would all be in vain in just a few months. I felt such a rush of gratitude. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve any of this. But I couldn’t leave her before I had to. I couldn’t do that to her. Or myself.
“How long do we have?” she interrupted my thoughts with the question.
“A little over four months left,” I answered.
She nodded. “Okay. That’s not a lot of time, but I think we can fit the most important things in.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, confused.
“Well, if we only have a little time together, we have to make the most of it. We’re gonna speedrun this relationship.” She glanced at me over her shoulder and winked. “Give me a few days to make a plan. It’ll be the best four months you’ve ever had.”
“It already is,” I said, and her cheeks turned red.
She finished up whatever she was cooking and brought me some. A grilled cheese and tomato soup. “It’s what I always make when I’m feeling bad,” she said as she set it down in front of me. “You can’t stay sad when you have a grilled cheese.”
She sat down opposite me at the table again. “So Adrianne,” she said.
“So Kat.”
“Promise me something.”
My heart began to race. “Kat, I-”
“Shhhh, let me say it first.” I shut my mouth and let her finish. “Promise me that you won’t ever give up. After you’re gone, however many loops you go through, promise me that you’ll keep on living. And I don’t just mean surviving, I mean living.”
I stared at her for a moment. How could I promise that? I had no idea what the future held for me. And after I left her…
“I promise,” I heard myself say. And to my surprise, I meant it.
Cambria's Corner 
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